Somewhere In Between

In between emotion and understanding when a loved one passesAfter the passing of my Japanese host father, I found myself in new territory. This is the first time since I started doing spiritual and intuitive work that someone who I feel close to has passed away. This new territory is in between the sadness of a loved one passing and the knowing from a spiritual perspective that they are ok. To be honest, it feels a bit confusing.

When I received the news that otosan (dad in Japanese) had passed, I sat there saying “no, no, no, no”. Back in January, he had heart failure and had a pacemaker put in. At that time, I had checked in with him on a soul level. It didn’t feel like he was ready to leave this life yet. So his passing was a shock. As I sat there in a jumble of emotions, not quite sure what to do, I started talking to him. “Otosan, kikoeru no? Dad, can you hear me? Daijobu? Are you ok? Let me know you’re ok.” Silence. It was unnerving and made me anxious. I had an appointment to go to and needed to jump in the shower. That’s when it happened…

As I continued to talk to otosan, I suddenly felt like he was hearing me. I started telling him to go into God’s light. Then I felt him asking “how do I do that?”. I told him to look for an angel and they would help him. Then “how do I know it’s an angel?” As I was trying to figure out how to answer, it hit me… “otosan, call for Archangel Michael. He’s my friend and I work with him a lot. You can trust him. He will help you.” I then asked Archangel Michael to help otosan. Maybe 15 seconds later, I heard clear as day “I got him”. It took me a split second to understand that was Archangel Michael and otosan was with him. Then I burst into tears. I felt this relief that I knew otosan was in good hands, that he would be ok. Then the sadness flooded in because I knew for certain that he had passed.

Since then it’s been this back and forth between sadness and comfort in knowing he is ok. I even remember telling my best friend the first day that I thought I should feel sadder or be crying more. The tears come when I think of going back to Japan and knowing he won’t be there. They come when I think about walking into my parent’s house, saying ‘tadaima’ (I’m home) and knowing I won’t hear his reply. They come when I think of all the memories.

The tears and sadness don’t seem to last very long though. How can they when I’ve gotten signs and know that he’s ok? That first day I had something happen with three hawks and a few minutes later I felt otosan’s energy. He was just letting me know he was with me. No words, no emotions, just his presence. It was simply comforting. About a week after he passed, I was washing dishes and letting my mind wander. Something became very clear to me and I said aloud, “You know what otosan, now I can talk to you even more”. That was soothing to my heart. I also got a message from otosan through my friend, a medium. He said he’ll be back in a few months and wants to be one of my guides.

This in between place has felt weird. I feel sadness but also a sort of peacefulness. I’m sure the sadness will continue to bubble up in unexpected ways and when it does I’ll let the tears flow. I have to say though, I like this other side of knowing and understanding because, in a way, it almost feels like otosan never really left.

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